Sunday, July 15, 2018

Replacing life

I lost almost 40 pounds when I was in the hospital nine months ago. I vowed not to gain the weight back. I have been doing pretty well counting calories and trying to eat lots of veggies, some fruit and some protein. I found graham crackers, which only have 130 calories for two full sheets.
The past few days, I have been eating to replace having a life complete with friends. I eat, then I feel bad. I am stuffed and then I feel guilty. I do not want to regain the weight but eating seems like I am punishing myself. Graham crackers are sweet and crunchy and I find it hard to cut them off at two full sheets. The answer: no more graham crackers.

Tuesday, July 10, 2018

Living on the edge

I am one of those lonely old women. Days go by without seeing anyone. I turn off my phone; no one calls anyway.

I go to the grocery store. On those trips, I put up my facade and act like I matter. Sometimes I order delivery. I am polite while at the same time try to hurry the delivery man on his way. The talk disrupts my isolation -- my sense of comfort in the aloneness.

Somehow I accumulated three-and-a-half bottles of anxiety medicine -- close to a thousand pills. I informed the pa I did not need any more, but she had problems that day and ordered still more. The depression medication does not work like it should, even with a second medication added. I physically ache when I am depressed. I take an anxiety pill and sleep for three or four hours. I eat something. I try to watch tv or read. I take my nights meds and sleep more. The cycle goes on unbroken.

I harbor many regrets about my life. The guilt I carry weighs me down. I never forget what a failure I am, how I fell short in almost every facet of my life. How I wasted the chances I had. Maybe I punish myself  for these sins.

Monday, December 25, 2017

No cheer this year

Another Christmas alone. The choice was mine. I wish I felt differently. Maybe being alone is akin to cutting myself.

If I could, I would sleep and then sleep some more. The problem: sleeping does not change life. Life just moves along without you. Then you have to catch up and in doing so, you have to face what you avoided when you slept.

You cannot run away from yourself.

Thursday, October 27, 2016

No exit

Halp! I can't make my blues go away. I need to do so much away from home. The car needs washing, I should have mailed mom a birthday card, but even if I sent the card now, she would not get it in time. Momo needs some liquidy cat food. He gags when I offer people food. I have a few cans left, but if he will like the juice is a toss up. And the cat food I barely has juice. The car needs gasoline. I need to check my mail, which I have not done in a week.
Why can't I make myself get dressed and go do these things?

Sunday, October 23, 2016

This is me

I have considered killing myself. I even know how I would do it. You see, I am at times in such pain, that I would do anything to make the pain go away. I feel guilty about something most of the time. My cat is dying. I tried force feeding him and he tore into me and he won't take the syringe of food in his mouth. It ended up all over his fur, a blanket and me. I spent lots of money trying to figure out what was wrong with him, but there was not really a conclusion. He just won't eat. So, slowly, he is dying and I feel guilty that I can't save him.

Then my cousin tells me how she saved some kittens by giving them Ensure drop by drop for hours during the day. She saved the kittens. She also mentioned another cat she saved that lived five years longer. Rather than taking what she said as encouragement or just conversation, I took it as criticism in my efforts with my cat. The guilt of not being as good as she was made me feel like a bad person.

I isolate myself. I have been asked to go do things with friends, but at the last minute, I cannot make myself go. I tell them I cannot make myself go and then feel guilty that I have hurt their feelings. After being turned down numerous times, my friends quit asking. Then I feel unworthy and guilty that I treated them that way.

I wasn't always this way. I was shy, but I did go places and do things. I have always had the guilt, but the older I get, the more guilt I feel.

The guilt gives way to anxiety which becomes depression. I take medicine for the anxiety and the depression, but it does not always work.

I know we all have problems. Some of us cope better than others. To some, the problems are a bump in the road, to others they are a giant hole.

Mental health problems can be dealt with if there are enough professionals. I've tried two. Neither were right for me. I tried calling a psychologist. She laughed and told me it would be at least two years before she could work me in. TWO YEARS.

I apologize if I have shown you too much of myself. If you want to unfriended me, that is your right, and I cannot blame you.

In the meantime, I grasp at the threads that keep me from falling into the abyss.

Friday, August 19, 2016

Doin' what they do

Yesterday when the knock came on my door, I had on my oldest nightgown with the opening almost to my knees. I folded the gown to show the least amount of skin and answered the door.

On the other side of the door stood two almost identically dressed young men: black dress pants, white shirts with the sleeve buttoned at the wrist and blue ties. Hello, the one on the right said. Can we speak with your for a minute? Mormons, I said. Yes, the one on the right said. What do you know about Mormons, he asked.

Well, I said someone named Smith started out in Missouri in the 1800s and headed west. They ended up in Salt Lake City. Mormon Tabernacle Choir, I said. Donnie and Marie were Mormons, I said. Some girl was kidnapped. Elizabeth Smart, the one on the right said. Humm, yes. She played some instrument, I said.

Oh yeah, then there was that Jeffs guy. Warren Jeffs, the one on the left said. He was part of a splinter group. Right, I said.

Do you consider yourself a Christian, the one on the right asked. Well, I don't believe in heaven that has streets paved with gold or has many mansions. I guess I consider myself spiritual. I believe there is a God. I believe he is light and love and energy, I said.

The one on the right asked me if I knew why they were called Mormons. I drew a blank, but he opened his backpack and showed me a book. This is the Book of Mormon, he said, we believe it like we do the Bible.

Then I said something about all the New Testament was not written at the same time. Some books were written several hundred years after Christ died. Revelation, the one on the right said. John the Revelator, I said.

Then, I said there is one group who believes that only x amount of people go to heaven. The one on the right said, although I don't like to talk bad about other religions, I think it is 144,000. I said I've always wondered why if they believed that, why they kept trying to convert you. I'm sure the quota already has been met.

Then the one on the right, who I guess was the leader of the two, asked me if I prayed. Yes, every day I said. Did you know that God will always give you an answer if you ask, he said. Well, sometimes we aren't receptive so we don't hear, I say. But he always answers, the one on the right said.

Can we come talk to you again, the one on the right asked. No I said as I was saying I would pray that they would find someone receptive. I smiled as I slowly closed the door.

Saturday, August 13, 2016


The day began pretty well. I had cookies for breakfast and a ham and cheese sandwich and ice cream for lunch.
 Now all I can think of is the manager coming Monday to look at the apartment and take pictures. I get new flooring. The down side of that is I have to move all the furniture. If I know in enough time when the man plans to come, I can get help from at least two of the godsons. But until it all happens, I will sit and worry. The what ifs always cause me to fret for hours.