Thursday, September 29, 2011

I woke up this morning and you were on my mind

You have been on my mind lately. I ask myself what would Dude say about this? I bet he would give me two ha's for that thought.

I have had a few issues that I am sure you could have helped me with. The latest issue I would give my eye teeth to know what you thought. Should I keep my mouth shut or should I insert myself into the situation?
I have stirred the pot and will see where that leads.

I ate lunch with Boopie today. We ate seafood and caught up on the latest. I enjoy my visits with Boopie.

I stopped by chat last night for a bit. I did not stay long. The group has changed some, and I felt ignored. No blame, just stating an opinion. The situation makes me sad. I grow so tired of the sadness and ache sometimes.

Must be doing something wrong. Guess I should try something else.

Later, Dude.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

If I go to sleep, will it make it not so?

Whatever that means.

My life has taken a "Groundhog Day" turn. One day looks pretty much like the next. Sometimes the sameness soothes, sometimes, like acid etching glass, it eats away at my being.

Later, Dude.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Surely a song exists

I worked hard this morning. After two days of not much, I needed to do some chores and ended up accomplishing more than I planned.

I got the bedroom rearranged so my chair offers a better view of the backyard. I also vacuumed up two cats worth of hair. I dusted. I shined the glass doors inside and out. That job alone about drove me bonkers. I would notice a spot and then try to figure out which door and whether it was inside or out. On one of those trips outside to find a spot, Momo nonchalantly decides to join me. "Mooooomooooo," I say. He looks at me like, "who, me?" and goes back inside.

I got the bathroom cleaned and swept the kitchen. Amazing what collects overnight on the kitchen floor.

Looking at what I wrote, the list of dones does not seem as great as when I sat down to write about my hard work. When I first began, my lungs kept reminding my body about the lack of recent physical activity. SOB. Gradually I quit noticing the pants and puffs. Oh, I sat down many times in the beginning. The ticker seemed to go the other way. Instead of getting tireder, I seemed to find a bit more energy to do this or that, so the breaks became fewer.

Sometimes when I start cleaning a room, I find myself carrying out of place objects back to their homes. Then I see something else in that room and take it too. Probably not the most efficient method of cleaning.

Fascinating, my life, is it not?

Later, Dude.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Need an off button

I will cheer when this round of gloom and doom fades a little more. With G&D comes laziness or maybe you can call the mood apathetic. I cannot choose what to eat and even if I could, I do not want to prepare whatever I choose.

Every decision during my day goes that way. I need to vacuum. I would have to drag the machine out of the closet, pick up all the kitty toys and other assortment of objects that litter the floor. Then worry about not running over the o2 hose or vacuum cord.

Or I need to wash dishes. I still have some clean ones in the cabinet. If I am going to expend the energy to wash dishes, I should at least have enough to make  the effort worthwhile. See, you get the drift.

The grass in my yard would cause problems for the Lilliputins. Even the visitor cats have to leap about like lords in "The Nutcracker."

Miss you heaps, Dude.


Thursday, September 22, 2011

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

The point?

When I do not wear my glasses and oxygen, my world skews.

I barricade myself in my apartment. I long for human touch.

I do not like friends any less, just myself. By failing you, I fail myself.

My drive sits in the garage. My life idles.

Later, Dude.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

What a pain

The pain was so intense, I could not breathe. I shouted in my mind for the pain to please, please stop. Out loud I said ow, ow, ow and pointed to my back.

The day began with a quesy tummy, so I scrambled a couple of eggs, threw in some cheddar cheese and toasted a couple of slices of bread. I had come to the conclusion I needed food.

I had an appointment with Doc at 12:15. I arrived with my list of prepared questions and was ushered in promptly.

He said the statin could cause my achy arm muscles, even after using it for many years. So no statin for a week to see if the muscle pain lessens.

He wants me to try glucosamine chondroitin for a month to see if the supplement helps my stiff fingers.

He ordered X-rays of my lungs and one that included kidneys, spleen, liver and gall bladder.

The technician had me lie flat on my back on the table to do the organs X-rays. That went quickly and as I sat up, a searing pain shot though my back in the center. The intense pain almost sent me to my knees. I could not move, I could not breathe. Shrieks echoed in my brain as the muscles in my back locked and refused to loosen their grip on the pain. Eventually, I could stand and walk.

I headed back down to the second floor to see what else Doc had in mind.

Did the PFTs and the gas exchange tests. I blew 49 last time for FEV1 and 52 this time. Yay!!

Then I got to pee in a cup and donate two vials of blood for the vampire. On my way out the door after seeing the Doc one more time, he says I am scheduling a sonagram of your organs.

Back to the fourth floor. Back to lying flat on my back, then on either side so she could do the kidneys, too. OK, hop up she says. Like a good little patient, I try. The pain paralyzes me again.

I am not real sure where my friend pain came from, but I do not like the way she acts. Maybe she will move on soon, though I fear she will become a permanent pest. I avoid flat on my back because of my breathing. Now add to that pain. Good thing I do not suntan.

Such was my day, the first day of my 63rd year.

Later, Dude.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

She's off ...

Dear Me,

In a matter of 2.5 hours, you will begin your 63rd year of living.

You went to pick up a prescription this morning and treated yourself and Pogo to an iconic Mickey D's breakfast item.

You received a birthday card from a special friend.

A couple of friends called.

A bit of good news from UT means you do not have to pay for that med for at least a year, unless you win the lottery or discover you are the long lost beneficiary of a billion-dollar trust fund. That "gift" alone probably added a year to your life.

Hang in there me!

Later, Dude.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

It is in there somewhere

Dear Friend,

You weigh heavy on my heart today. I know problems plague you. Some of life's cares you have to handle on your own, though I willingly offer to help.

How do you measure the success of a life?

Later, Dude.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Gray day

Today the sky wears her gray lady suit and sports temperatures to match. Unfortunately, my mood and body accompany the lady.

I cannot get enough sleep, even with 9 hours at night and a nap during the day. If this picture represents the rest of my life, where did the body go that matched my mind? I like the younger model. The mind still rocks along like it did in years past; the body tends to pitch fits.

Got the paperwork to doc this morning, got home and remembered I forgot to sign the papers. So I call the nurse's line and tell them to hold the papers; I will pick them up tomorrow. (In this case, my mind joined the creaking body in a little duh dance.)

I am conducting a little experiment to see if I can buy groceries once a month. I will buy meat on sale anytime and fresh fruits and veggies. I am hoping by cutting my trips to the store I also will chop the spending.

Dollar stores offer great bargains on cleaning supplies and cat litter.

What did you pay forward today?

Later, Dude.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Hoops de do

Dear UT,

I will comply with your demands for more paperwork. Six months worth of bank statements, plus six months worth of copies of Medicare checks, etc., etc.

I get the feeling the folks in charge there have no idea what pulmonary arterial hypertension does to a person's mind, body and spirit. Ineptitude or lack of compassion allows personnel to have a jaded outlook on human nature. The employees reflect the corporate attitude.

Yes, in today's world, many people scam and scheme, perhaps even those unfortunate souls who have PH. Most of the PHers I know, including myself, have to devote what energy we do have to everyday living.

Perhaps the employees and supervisors could do the straw exercise for a day.


A PHer

Later, Dude.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Playing the spoons

Yes, I have pulmonary hypertension. Most of the time, I have plenty of spoons. I go and do with the best of them.

For me, stress heads the list of triggers that eventually sabotage my body. The hassle I went through this past week cut me down at the knees. I did not realize this until the issue with the companies was resolved. Suddenly I could not get enough sleep. Somewhere along there I also lost motivation. Between the duo, my house falls apart, the weeds mount a new battle and the kitties bite me on the elbow or arm to get me to feed them.

I feel even worse during this time because I neglect my friends. I think of them, but I somehow cannot put fingers to keyboard (not as romantic as pen to paper, huh?) or even call them. I am ready again for a nap.

Venus Williams has Sjorgen's. She also has been treated for asthma her whole life. She should have a heart cath, IMHO.

Later, Dude.