This and that

◾ The woman in the commercial for contact lenses reminds me of Arthur Ashe when she puts her glasses on.

◾ I wonder if the powers that be have been working on security for the midterm elections. That story has been lost in the tsunami of recent stories.

◾ My heart failure number has dropped from the last blood work done. I wonder how a heart failure number can improve. Logic says is gets worse over time, not better.

◾ I wish I did not use food as a comfort or a reward. Just say no works about as well for food addictions as it does for drugs, which is to say not at all.

◾ I have the concentration of a 3-year-old lately. I have acquired well over 20 books and though I have started a half dozen of them, I cannot seem to finish any. In fact, a couple of chapters is about the maximum for any of the books I have started.

◾ I need to get a new shower head. The used handheld model had a plastic part that attached the metal hose to the place the water comes out. The plastic broke and so the handheld unit is unusable. I have thought about duct tape, but new heads are pretty cheap. So ... now I have to order it.

Wasted days and wasted nights

I wish I could quit eating when I am bored or lonely or any of a thousand excuses I make to myself. I weigh less now than I did when I was in high school and would like to stay this weight. But I make excuses and eat even when I am not hungry.

I never see anyone and I quit Twitter recently because of a video showing a poor animal gasping for breath as the blood gushed and pooled around it. It had been sacrificed in the name of some religion.

I wrote my will today. Handwritten wills are accepted here. There were no surprises since I have told those mentioned in the will what I wanted and how I wanted my possessions divided.

I will be 70 in a couple of weeks. I don't feel that old in many ways, but all you have to do is look at my skin, my hair, my body to know that yes indeed I am that old. I have outlived several of my high school classmates which is really pretty remarkable considering my PH and the things I put my body through when I was younger.

I carry a burden of guilt, too, for things I did.

Replacing life

I lost almost 40 pounds when I was in the hospital nine months ago. I vowed not to gain the weight back. I have been doing pretty well counting calories and trying to eat lots of veggies, some fruit and some protein. I found graham crackers, which only have 130 calories for two full sheets.
The past few days, I have been eating to replace having a life complete with friends. I eat, then I feel bad. I am stuffed and then I feel guilty. I do not want to regain the weight but eating seems like I am punishing myself. Graham crackers are sweet and crunchy and I find it hard to cut them off at two full sheets. The answer: no more graham crackers.

Living on the edge

I am one of those lonely old women. Days go by without seeing anyone. I turn off my phone; no one calls anyway.

I go to the grocery store. On those trips, I put up my facade and act like I matter. Sometimes I order delivery. I am polite while at the same time try to hurry the delivery man on his way. The talk disrupts my isolation -- my sense of comfort in the aloneness.

Somehow I accumulated three-and-a-half bottles of anxiety medicine -- close to a thousand pills. I informed the pa I did not need any more, but she had problems that day and ordered still more. The depression medication does not work like it should, even with a second medication added. I physically ache when I am depressed. I take an anxiety pill and sleep for three or four hours. I eat something. I try to watch tv or read. I take my nights meds and sleep more. The cycle goes on unbroken.

I harbor many regrets about my life. The guilt I carry weighs me down. I never forget what a failure I am, how I fell short in almost every facet of my life. How I wasted the chances I had. Maybe I punish myself  for these sins.