Replacing life

I lost almost 40 pounds when I was in the hospital nine months ago. I vowed not to gain the weight back. I have been doing pretty well counting calories and trying to eat lots of veggies, some fruit and some protein. I found graham crackers, which only have 130 calories for two full sheets.
The past few days, I have been eating to replace having a life complete with friends. I eat, then I feel bad. I am stuffed and then I feel guilty. I do not want to regain the weight but eating seems like I am punishing myself. Graham crackers are sweet and crunchy and I find it hard to cut them off at two full sheets. The answer: no more graham crackers.

Living on the edge

I am one of those lonely old women. Days go by without seeing anyone. I turn off my phone; no one calls anyway.

I go to the grocery store. On those trips, I put up my facade and act like I matter. Sometimes I order delivery. I am polite while at the same time try to hurry the delivery man on his way. The talk disrupts my isolation -- my sense of comfort in the aloneness.

Somehow I accumulated three-and-a-half bottles of anxiety medicine -- close to a thousand pills. I informed the pa I did not need any more, but she had problems that day and ordered still more. The depression medication does not work like it should, even with a second medication added. I physically ache when I am depressed. I take an anxiety pill and sleep for three or four hours. I eat something. I try to watch tv or read. I take my nights meds and sleep more. The cycle goes on unbroken.

I harbor many regrets about my life. The guilt I carry weighs me down. I never forget what a failure I am, how I fell short in almost every facet of my life. How I wasted the chances I had. Maybe I punish myself  for these sins.