Lost it

I flat wore myself out today. I proved the adage, "Use it or lose it." Apparently the two weeks I was sick killed what muscle tone and endurance I had. I walked in the door at 3 p.m. with barely enough energy to take my clothes off, do a Tyvaso treatment, which was four hours late, and feed the kitties.

What did I do to cause my arms and legs to ache? Well, not a whole lot. I closed my account at that vilified banking institution. I also drove through the pharmacy to pick up some meds. C and I went to lunch and then to Wallyworld and the grocery.

My arms, legs, knees ache. Time for the Tylenol and bed.

Later, Dude.

More random thoughts

Below are the start of blogs this month that did not go beyond the first sentence or two, thus the random thoughts title.

When things go wrong, we look for answers, excuses, anything to explain why events unfolded the way they did. Karma, God's punishment. Just desserts.

Years after you are gone, no one will miss you or even know you existed.

I am a bit aggravated. I managed to capture the lead in the Fantasy EPL League. I expressed pride in my accomplishment in a public manner. Of the five opponents, well, I got a congrats, but a look out now comment from one of them; a yeah for you; and then the son of a gun who said "Eek, I have not even looked at the game in weeks." The statement's accuracy aside, the speaker could be kinder. Look out now, Buster!! You have lit a fire under me that will make your butt toast.

Winter beats at my door hounded by a cold north wind. Despite the new weatherstripping, the chill wind blows enough through the gaps to snuff a candle.

Missing you, Dude.

Later.

Rest easy

Another gray day. I received notification from the Tyvaso folks that my three-month re-certification  is tomorrow. Because I was sick, I did not check my mail for a little over a week. Well, I tried to call the senior clearance specialist. Same woman I have had problems with in the past. She did not return my call, so I called someone who sees this woman and promised to hand deliver the paperwork which I faxed. I guess I will find out soon if she got what she needed and the company will continue to pay for the drug.

Just got word on FB another of my PH friends, who had a transplant, has died. RIP Sheila Williams.

A couple of CFers I knew of also died recently.

Later, Dude.

Seasons in the sun

I awoke to frozen fog. The wind did not blow, but somehow the day looked colder than reality. I snuggled under a blanket and a comforter with the kitties lining my left side. A football game and a couple of basketball games later, I stir from my cocoon. Eight hours later, the gloom prevails. Soon I will seek the warmth of the covers.

This year ends on a note of thankfulness. I am thankful I have gotten to spend quality time with my brother. I think he did not understand what my disease was like. I am older than he by four years. Now he calls about once a week to check on me. I have learned to appreciate my sister-in-law. We went to college together many moons ago. Then we went our separate ways until she met my brother again.

I am thankful for my Facebook friends. I continue to keep in contact with many of the folks I used to work with. Journalists move around. Most of my journalism friends no longer live here. I enjoy seeing their children and themselves growing up. Another group fills my soul with support. They catch me when I fall into despair. They encourage and empathize. A small group of your friends helps me keep a connection, somehow making it more real.

I am thankful for understanding. I am thankful for thoughtfulness. I am thankful for blessings.

Later, Dude.

All thumbs

 A special friend thinks she can transform my brown, kill everything in sight thumb into a green one. She sent me three African amaryllis bulbs. So far, the confidence in my abilities to change appears justified. Two of the bulbs have three shoots that seem to grow by the minute. The largest bulb has the potential, you can see the beginnings of at least two shoots.

My Tracleer shipment for this month appears lost in lala land. I will make more calls today. I have three pills left. To be fair, I think the problem lies with UPS, not Accredo.

That is all.

Later, Dude.

A cautionary tale?

Last night, not too long after I had turned off the lights, my doorbell rang. My apartment complex lies in a modest neighborhood but the complex itself shows signs of its age. Since the rent falls in the lower bracket, so does the tenant population.

I opened the door to a woman, who at first glance was a hipster. Jeans tucked into knee-high boots. Spiked blonde hair. She asked for a woman whom I was not. She told me she had locked her keys in her car and asked if I had a phone she could use. I brought the phone to the door and let her call her daughter in Perryton. She had no coat and I let her into the apartment to wait for the locksmith to arrive. Seeing her in the light, she must have been in her middle to late 50s.

I sat on the couch while she stood at the door waiting for the man to arrive. She talked nervously about how her 38-year-old daughter caused her trouble. Then she told me this was the third time in a month she had locked her keys in her car. She offered to pay me for use of the phone. Finally, the man came and the woman left.

I have energy to clean today, which means this ugly mess will soon stop hanging over me. I also have to track down my Tracleer shipment. Accredo scheduled the delivery for yesterday. Nope, did not make it. I called the complex office. Nope, not there. (UPS delivered my Tyvaso to the office this time. Accredo requires a signature. I wonder who signed?) I have noticed a new UPS guy, too. If I were to give him a grade: epic fail!! In the meantime, I have 1.5 days of Tracleer left. I have a FT friend who has an appropriate name for this situation: Helena Handbasket.

I am one lucky woman. I miss you, Dude.

Later.

As time goes by

Two years ago I lost someone whom I did not know well but at the same time I knew for as long as time and space itself. I will never know what if, but I do know what.

I ponder why you made such an impact, Dude.

You came into my life at a time when my life had turned upside down. I lost a career of close to 40 years. I had no time to make adjustments or even to make choices. I felt hopeless and vulnerable and numb. I was alone with me. All my friends worked and soon many of them dropped me from their lives. Out of sight, out of mind, I suppose.

Then, by chance or fate, I met you online. I fell in love with you in a long-distance, will never meet kind of way. You filled a hole in my being. I felt, as I am sure most of your many, many friends did, needed by you as well. Talking to you about your issues made mine disappear for awhile. You confided in me, and I grew protective like an animal momma with her babies. You hit a bumpy stretch and I wanted to do everything I could to make that path smooth. You hurt and I wanted to hold you and wipe the pain away. Yet even in that mess of a time, you showed me how one can let go of the anger and move on.

I grew to know you by the way you reacted to events in your life. I knew how you felt about the folks in your "real life," how you compartmentalized. Did you set up the Post-Thanksgiving Fantasy Hockey League with the players you did consciously or subconsciously? What would you think about how events played out after you died?

Once you told me you were sorry. Once you told me thank you. Two simple phrases that were more precious than any gifts you could have purchased.

That first year I grieved for you with an intensity I never believed possible. How could your death affect me so when I knew you for such a short time? I managed to get through the year with help from a couple of unlikely  friends who have continued to help me. I hope I have helped them in return.

Yep, Dude. I miss you. You still have a place in my heart.

Laters.