I feel alone and abandoned. I suffer more anxiety and then worry that taking that third pill might lead to a fourth and an addiction. At my age does addiction matter that much? Thank goodness I see my psychiatrist helper on Tuesday. I hope she can reassure me.
I know I need to find a therapist that I can talk to. My old friend procrastination steps in regularly. Maybe I do not want happiness. Maybe I do not think I deserve it. Maybe I am beyond help.
After her family and I buried my best friend, I shut the world off. I quit FB. I began to take longer naps. I began to eat lots of sweets, after all I deserved something to salve my pain. I gained more than 10 pounds. Nothing I eat satisfies me. The pain continues.
I grow tired of doing my breathing treatments but if I wait too long, I cannot breathe.
I am weary of the telephone ringing with offers of insurance and fall monitors and hearing aids. Robocalls make my life miserable. I tried the robocall blocker and still the calls come. Thank heaven for caller ID and voicemail. I would eliminate a phone altogether if I would feel safe.
This is grief, Cindy. It's a terrible, horrible feeling of aloneness that seems bottomless. It's magnified by depression that already exists.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are experiencing this pain. I wish I could take it away. I wish I could have you see how special you are and that you do deserve to be happy. I also ask that you try to be gentle with yourself ... gentle the way you would be with a friend who is suffering as you are.
I also ask that you try to ride this thing out, one day at a time. That's all you need to focus on getting through. Ask yourself, "What do I need to do today?" And that's it. If all you can do is nap, OK. Perhaps tomorrow you can get up and read, or something else you generally like. And be gentle about eating sweets. It's a comfort thing, although unfortunately as I know, it makes us feel physically worse and sluggish. (Maybe I'll bring you a green juice. :-) )
I also hope you will return to Facebook. Because your health has you spending much time at home alone, I think you need your online support network. That's how the majority of people know how you are doing. That's how you can most share your valuable thoughts and insightful opinions with us. I hope you will return soon. Remember, we see a good Cindy that you don't.
Please be easy on yourself. This is a terrible and rough time. I would like to visit you, if you will have me. (806-236-0418)
I love you much, Cindy Lee.
We all love you Cindy. You would be surprised at how many people miss you and ask about you when you leave FB. You are not alone. You have wonderful friends who care. Much love to you.
ReplyDeleteCindy, my friends Kim Day and Ronna Nord send their love. They both tried to respond to your blog but said Google wasn't allowing it.
ReplyDeleteRolling by to say, this pebble firmly believes in this mantra, "a big ol", big ol" bowl of ice cream fixes most things." But so does bare feet in thick grass, sitting under a tree, or swinging on a swing. Just don't knock any kids out of occupied ones. Parents don't like that at all. LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU
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