I can't adult today

I got up at my usual 3 and got quite a bit done. Well, I gathered the trash, washed a week's worth of dishes and swept and mopped the kitchen floor. After having stepped onto several wet spots, I discovered one of my cats has diarrhea. So I cleaned up the spots all the while Pogo meowed at me to come back to bed. Going back to bed has become a part of our routine. Pogo doesn't sleep with me, however. He gets under the covers and then slides down beside the couch into a tent made from the quilt which is much too big for the couch.

I lay there for a few minutes, then slowly got up so I wouldn't disturb Pogo. I discovered a few days ago that Momo has been marking a spot near my medicine cart. Today I finally decided to do something about cleaning it up. I looked on the web and followed the directions that included blotting up the pee, spraying the spot with a vinegar/water solution, blotting that up, then spraying with a hydrogen peroxide and dish soap solution and then sprinkling baking soda over the area. I am supposed to let it dry, then vacuum. I just hope Momo doesn't decide to mark the spot before it is dry. Once it is dry, I will spray lemon juice on the wall and carpet. That is supposed to repel cats.

Pogo is not doing well. He has lost weight and doesn't feel good. He hisses at Momo. I need to take him to the vet so he can cross the Rainbow Bridge, but I can't make myself do the right thing. No matter which direction I take, I will feel guilty.

My insides, mainly my head, feel like an electrical storm. Thoughts don't seem to connect. I can't seem to eat more than one meal a day without feeling bloated and uncomfortable. I have heartburn a lot because I tend to lie down after I eat so I can breathe.

I read an article by a writer who suffered from depression. I agree with his description. Every sentence I was thinking, yes! Then he wrote one day he just returned to his old self. He offered no clue how or why. It just happened. Well...I am waiting.

I find it harder and harder to fill my waking hours. For awhile, I read. I have Amazon Prime and get a free book every month. Then I discovered a book by a woman named Nadia something or other, who is a Lutheran pastor in Denver. Her church parishioners are the throw aways, the scorned, the people nobody wants. She once was a throw away herself. Her message stirred something inside me. After a few months, my old depressed self returned.

Then I watched lots of television. Mainly what I call the blood and guts network (the ID channel). All sorts of murders, some solved, some not. Lt. Joe Kenda of Colorado Springs became my hero.

But after several hundred hours of blood and guts, I no longer watch tv. Since I have Direct TV and they were bought by AT&T, I no longer have sports channels. The big phone company raised rates the second they took over. I know, I should get Netflix or Hulu, but really, tv no longer interests me.

Which leads to the problem I have now. Nothing captures my imagination. No hobbies, no interest in volunteering, which requires a commitment, nothing involving people. That is not to say I don't get lonely, because I do. Lonely down to the core of me.

Maybe I need a stint in the local nut hut.