Here, let the Mayo Clinic explain:
Depression is a medical illness that involves the mind and body. Also called major depression, major depressive disorder and clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave. Depression can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and depression may make you feel as if life isn't worth living.My friends tell me I need to get out more. Therein lies the problem. Getting out gets harder and harder for me. I just plain do not want to ______. Thinking about getting out makes me cry.
More than just a bout of the blues, depression isn't a weakness, nor is it something that you can simply "snap out" of. Depression is a chronic illness that usually requires long-term treatment, like diabetes or high blood pressure.
Observation: If Connie or Boopie did not come to pick me up, I probably would not leave the apartment. Oh I realize groceries and drugs are necessary. I can do that. I put on my sweet little old lady face and smile my way through the store.
Physically, I am doing pretty well. I can do a couple of stores without being SOB. However, add a third one and I am wiped out the next day.
I know I do not exercise like Doc wants me to. I guess I expect him to perform miracles while I do as I please. I am sure that must frustrate him. If I did what he thinks I should, I could probably add a few years to my life. Do I want that?
I miss you something fierce, Dude. Do I have that right? Actually, I do. No one except you has the power to take from me the relationship we had. You left me. And you left with a lie. I will always wonder.
Later.
Ahhh...I see. I agree, from reading you a while now, you ARE depressed. I'm sure there's good reason. From what you write I can make my own guesses about what has happened with you and Dude. And no matter what I conjure up, depression would be called for. Was hoping you would see that. Now!! I can TOTALLY relate to how you feel. My PCP listened to my "story" and asked if I wanted an antidepressant. I asked him, "Will it bring my daughter home?" He said, "No" and I promptly told him, "then why would i take a medication if it wasn't going to solve my problem". I'm pretty sure that isn't the right thing for everyone though. As you comment, "Do I want that?" ~ adding some time on the life chart for CL. I get it that feeling, I really do. Cuz i have been there. Well, ok, I am there many days when my focus is off. I get the reason too. Having someone walk out of your life when you thought they'd be there forever (by choice or by death) leaves you with a total change of identity. It's devistating. In my case, my daughter left. Makes NO sense. And we all desperatly struggled to survive the devistation. When I have my focus on that I wish life would just come to an end even almost five years now. I have to make the concious choice to put my focus on my husband and another daughter who love, are committed to and need me. Along with them I have to focus on family and friends, of whom see me as their pillar of strength. I find a reason to live in them. I know you must have others too...who cause you to hang onto a shred of hope for living another day. Can I encourage you to somehow find the strength to do it for them? Yeah, PH and all the other illnesses we face are rough and take their toal on our physical bodies. I'm ready to go if it's my time. I won't struggle too much when my day comes. Yet, mentally, spiritually, we can find a place of joy, inner peace and even contentment if we focus on what is good in our lives. I've had to learn a whole new life since my daughter walked out. I will have to learn another one should she ever come back. And if anything happens to her before she does, I will have to survive yet another bad change. Life is full of changes, some easy, some devistating, some good and some bad. But they are all changes we endure and then have the wisdom to someone else who is struggling. I hope you can find a way to enjoy something everyday. Sit outside for a bit, enjoy the birds singing or the warmth of the sun through a window...the cats, something. There is always something to be thankful for, something to brighten us when we are down. We just, as mere humans that we are, look at what's bad and dwell on that. I pray for you and hope somehow you feel better about things today...and that I didn't overstep my boundry here.
ReplyDeleteDepression seems to be a genetic issue in my family. The only thing I can add to the above is that medications and talk therapy do help. It is difficult if not impossible to help yourself if you are depressed. If one medication doesn't seem to help, try something else. The one I am on now (Lexapro) is helping me. I had to double the dose after I was diagnosed with PH. Others had side effects I couldn't tolerate. (Making you feel like a Zombie with no feelings at all is not a good side effect).
ReplyDeleteHugs to you my dear phriend!