Connie told me yesterday I am eating her lunch. She said she cannot keep it up. She worries about me. She says when she calls and I am lying on the couch, doing nothing and can hardly talk because my mouth is so dry, it hurts her. She told me that I have to want to help myself, not do it because of her. When she asked why I slept alot, I told her maybe it was to kill time or hide.
I lack motivation. I always have thought I am unworthy. How do you change more than 60 years of thought? Even if you could, it would not happen overnight.
I am blessed to have friends who like me despite my weird thinking. They like me in spite of myself.
On the CF forum, participants discuss compliance. Though specifically about CF, compliance goes along with most chronic diseases. I just took my sats. 70 percent. Of course, that is without o2. That is lack of compliance. Exercise -- the golden, all-purpose fix it. Not many people I know love to push themselves physically. Another compliance issue.
I dreamed last night of pulmonary rehab. Many of the people I did not know. We all brought our cats. Pogo did well and did not run off. I remember saying it would take me awhile to get back. I had issues with my clothing, too.
Dude. I. Miss. You.
Later.
Sounds more like depression than lack of compliance. Not sure who "Dude" is but, I know about missing someone SO much it makes you feel like you do...cuz it's how I feel(and have to fight) much of the time. "Doesn't matter" is my attitude sometimes. Doesn't matter if I don't feel good, whatever. Doesn't matter if I have a death sentence over my head or not; it's all meaningless without the one I miss ~I could care less. Doesn't matter if I can't get off the couch today, no one's around here anyway. I think it's more of a mental fight to keep mentally cheery than a physical fight. When you miss someone so much that life is seemingly empty without them around, nothing else really makes any difference. Your heart has a hole in it and only that person can fill it. If they are gone, the hole is just draining all of that "give a damn" down the drain. Ever hear that country song, "My Give a Damn's Busted"? You have a lot to offer people and I hope you'll fight emotionally to use those gifts to bless others. You are a blessing to others. And they/we all need you to care for YOU so that you can be around for us. Maybe I'm way out of line...just a thought though...from personal experience.
ReplyDeleteI think you should get away and come and visit me and California!!! I could pick up you at the airport in Sacramento and we could have a great time here in Hidden Valley! Love ya!
ReplyDeleteI have really been worried about you, too. It's obvious that you are depressed, which makes it harder to want to pick yourself up and do things. The thought of things that you want to accomplish is there, but actually going through with something just doesn't seem to matter. I know you mentioned in a previous post at some point that you wondered if you should go back to the counselor you had been seeing. Have you done that? Perhaps you should? Wish there was something more I could do to help you, but please know that you are in my prayers a lot. Love to you, dear phriend! HUGS
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