Gunned down

Hey dude. I tried so hard to stay out of the CF mess. The "I knew him better than you did, he would have changed" bunch. And more speculation on who Pepe/Gina was. I did not speak at your service, I did not get one of your books. What I had was you in the end. Am I jealous? A little. Mostly disappointed, I think.

I need to pull away from your friends now. Of all the mess, hurting your mom hurts me the most. Not making excuses, but grief does funny things to people. I guess I wanted her to trust me and in the process I ended up hurting her badly.

I am so lost right now. You were so much of my life for half a year. That is a long time. Long enough to become a habit and now withdrawal threatens to rock me to the core. Now I feel like a shell -- empty. This pain nothing will touch. I know you know all too well. SG had you on that path for a good part of the time I knew you. So few days you were not questioning or unhappy.

You had good times. The choice was yours, you made that plain. You discovered she was not exactly who you thought she was or hoped she was. I am sure she made some discoveries of her own. Realization takes some of us longer than others. Unfortunately, when you are playing craps with your life, snake eyes does come up. I think you were at that point in your life.

Oh, dude. I wish you had left some sort of word with folks, myself included. Speculation can turn the best of us into doubt-filled crazies. I so want to do the right thing. I remember telling you to mind your gut more in soccer. You agreed. Well, my gut tells me to hang tight onto Transplantland and Pepe. Should I destroy it? Not sure I know how. But if that was your choice, I would find out how. See what I mean about leaving word?

The blogs were such a part of your anguish. You said Pepe hurt you but SG killed you. God, Paul, what am I supposed to do? Maybe the furor will die down in a bit. And the whole Pepe thing will be a distant memory.

)))mailman(((

Later.