Searchin'

I read some of the IMs we sent back and forth over the months. I am not sure what I was looking for, but I gained a new appreciation for you and what life at the end must have been like for you.

Even in August, you knew you and SG would not work out. Oh, there was still the delight, but lots of things you said indicated you knew at some level you were doomed.

I also realize I was someone to you. Kim was right, you could tell by actions at times how you felt. And seeing the words you said also convinced me you did like me and care for me. Gosh I still tear up at times. I want to smile, but I do miss you so much, my friend.

I had to block SG, D and S on FB. Since you are now with the all knowing group, I need not detail why I did that. Let's just say for the record, my mental health was suffering.

I am still puzzled by the hat thing, too. Your mom said your dad wears it constantly. Your brother said he had it on. And I am wondering if it got given away. Sheesh. Course, it is dumb to put such stock in a material thing. I was attached to it sentimentally.

I cannot bear to play your songs right now. I wonder how you would feel about the great tribute album and some sort of foundation in your name. I know you shunned attention and were modest to a fault. Fortunately, I am completely out of the picture on that. And the CF book club. I stop in at the CF website occasionally just to keep up with goings on. I can see why you were such a stah, my friend.

Consider yourself mentally hugged. I know you hated to be touched, or so Kim said.

Later.