Thursday, May 7, 2015

A chicken in every pot

I cooked a whole chicken in the crockpot today and put a whole unveiled potato on top of the chicken. After a nice long nap, I had chicken, a potato and peas for dinner. The chicken fell off the bone. I put the leftover chicken in a plastic container and Pogo and I will have chicken for a few meals.

I feel much better headwise today, thank goodness. Depression sucks. Other friends carry their own burdens and I should learn from them how to handle myself under extreme duress.

Missing you.

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

How it

I wish I could explain what depression does to me. How it takes over my life. How it keeps me glued to my chair or bed for hours on end. How I want to cry but cannot muster the energy to do so. How it constantly breaths over my shoulder and whispers in my ear about how unloved and useless I am. How it makes me question my sanity. How it makes me fear that I can never be happy. How it causes me to wonder if anyone really cares or if they pretend to so I will not cling to them for answers. How it eats into my thoughts like a worm eats rotten flesh. How it makes the sunniest day dark and threatening. How it suffocates relationships. How it rides along with me when I go out, buried just beneath the surface, ready to ooze into the conversation. How it chastises me for allowing it to gain such a foothold in my life. How it raises feelings of guilt when I cancel outings time and time again. How it picks me apart until I am a pile of quivering shame. How it permeates me with pain that will not cease.

Monday, May 4, 2015

Here we go again

The humidity causes me to gasp for air today. The wind blows hot like a forest fire, making breathing even harder. Old Dumbo sits on my chest as well. A vice-like pain encircles my head just above my eyes. Ah Spring.

My patience runs thin with people who whine and gripe all the time. I catch myself doing the same. I need to reform myself.

Someone told me today I control my thoughts. So why do I hate myself so much?

Sunday, May 3, 2015

A slow death

I deactivated my Facebook account today. I also canceled a lunch date with my best friend, which angered her. She did not say much except goodbye. I wish everyone understood. I never know when the darkness comes or how long I may sit in the abyss. Making plans knowing I may or may not go hurts me and most of all hurts the ones I love. I am punishing myself by making others mad at me.

Saturday, May 2, 2015

More dark clouds

Another day in depression land. I spent most of the day sleeping. I made plans with a friend to go to the store, but when I called her around noon, she had only enough time to make a quick run. So, I said I needed quite a few things, I would go on my own. I spent another hour convincing myself to get dressed and go. The boys ate all their food and turned their noses up at other options, so not going would mean their starvation.

Busy, sometimes angry, people packed the store. I bought everything on my list and then some, avoiding little Indy 500 drivers and their miniature shopping carts.

The gusty winds brought all kinds of crap with them making breathing extra hard as I carried the groceries into the house.

If I liked myself more, maybe the lack of inquiries about where I have been on FB would not hurt so much. One person noticed and sent me a private message. Three others sent PMs when I reached out to them.

Lacking self-esteem, I do not know how to take this lack of concern about me by others. I act as if I am a young teenager. I need help. I need to take the necessary steps to learn to like myself before I die.

Friday, May 1, 2015


I am angry. I am hurt. I feel no one cares. I do not care.