Giving it another try

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GSxFiM41u8s

Well, here I am again. Rust covers my writer's brain and my fingers find it hard to find the proper keys.

Physically, my body holds together pretty well. The extra oxygen when I am out and about helps, and hauling extra tanks around  might even count as weight training. I avoided the hospital for more than a year. Only one little problem intrudes into my seemingly good life.

Every time I jump up and turn sharply to the right or left, I lose my balance and spend the next few seconds trying to remain upright. Once I caught myself against the sliding glass doors. Another time I staggered like a drunk at closing time and finally fell/sat on the chair. Dr. Cindy here figures the problem might be an inner ear infection. Or maybe another one of those glorious conditions that happens to those who are closer to death than first grade.

That part of me that controls the rest of me, fails to measure up. I want to curl into a ball the size of a pea and hide in the corner behind the table beside the couch.

With PH, one gets a "weighty" chest. Pressure like an elephant sitting on you. Mentally I feel that elephant in my head and cannot see beyond the gray shadows. On those days, I take my medicines and sleep. When I wake again, I take more medicines and sleep some more.

Those days the world ignores me and carries on as worlds do. I feel guilty. I feel I do not live up to a standard that my parents, teachers, friends, etc., expect of me. I never measure up, least of all to myself.

Sometimes I am so not myself that even my best friend questions my actions. We were standing in the bill pay line at the grocery story. My friend had several bills and money orders to purchase. The line grew long and waiters were mostly men. My friend and I discussed what she was going to feed her family for supper. I turned to the man behind me and asked him what he was having for supper. At first, he was stunned, then he said, "Chicken," and laughed. It seems in my old age, I talk to strangers, something I
would never do when I was younger. I guess I figure I can get away with crazy old lady.

Most days, I do not go outside. I want to be left alone but at the same time I want someone to notice.

I find my mind wandering. Positive thoughts going out to a CFers having a hard time.

Later, Dude.