Once upon a time, there was a girl who had no self-esteem. The girl does not remember many happy times in her life, just the nagging and correcting. "Stand up straight." "Did you use deodorant? You stink."
One of her first memories involves a spanking. Another, being yelled at for jumping on the bed.
Because she felt she was ugly, she did not have boyfriends. One or two boys, outcasts themselves, quickly drifted into and out of her life.
This girl was intelligent but coasted through school. She got by without studying and made good marks. She still was a social misfit.
College unleashed a new girl. Cutting classes to drink coffee with a set of friends the parents would frown on, just because she could. Trying alcohol and tobacco. Rebellion which snowballed on itself. A marriage quickly turned sour.
The lonliness and fright overpowering her, she returned to her hometown and started over.
The next few years brought people in and out of her circle. Only a few stuck around for any length of time, and they were on the road to perdition.
The girl was "raised in the church." She measured her childhood teachings by the realities of the world. She found them inadequate. So a journey began to find meaning and answers to the whys. Sometimes the girl dabbled, sometimes she immersed herself. Nowhere did she find answers or meaning. Oh, she thought she had many times. After the euphoria of self-congratulations wore off, she was left with nothing.
She developed a facade for the public. Her real self hidden. For many years, the facade stood in place, solid, unbroken.
Then the questions returned, the yearning.
To be continued.
Later, Dude.
My heart weeps for that little girl....(((hugs)))
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