Gloom, dispair and agony on me

I am helping a soon-to-be friend, I hope, with a project. One small problem though. This project makes me overwhelmingly sad. So why, do you ask, am I still helping? Complicated answer.

In many ways, I want this project to turn out as perfect as possible. I volunteered to help; then I volunteered some more. The constant living with the sadness and pain, however, causes more sadness, pain and weariness. I try very hard to keep my word. I hate failing others.

My health right now also factors in. These blackout spells puzzle even the doc. We work together to find a solution soon. In the meantime, I carry the possibility of blacking out in the back of my mind all the time. What if it happens when I am driving? My life cannot come to a screeching halt. I will not allow that.

So as a temporary solution, I am taking a breather from the project. Fortunately, the deadline does not press hard right now. That way I can concentrate on my health, at least until we know something. I also must consider the answer might not turn up.

I mentally punish myself for not devoting as much time to my friends as I usually do. I know I cannot fix the problems of the world, but I offer my ear because I know it does good. I do this freely, but now it takes a toll. I need to rejuvenate, rebalance the scales.

* * *

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCbJJAAVSZY

Johnny and Joni say it all, dude.

Later.